Pseudo (Soodo? Seudo? Ppppppppppsoodough??) Identification
Have you ever dared to gaze gallantly into the stormy abyss that is the sea of tranquility and given it a good old fashioned middle finger? Have you aimlessly wandered through the obstreperous jungle that we call life to somehow find yourself on the top of the world, having reached maximum zen that has only been achieved by the most draconian of monks, only to look down on all those lost peasants beneath you and give them a good old fashioned middle finger? Have you ever stopped to realize that if it is only the most draconian of monks are truly the only ones to reach maximum zen that maybe zen isn't what you should be looking for? Anywho, if you are meta enough to connect to these on a deep, personal level, then we do not have much in common. Grab your homemade 20-hour steeped cold brew (Because your body is a temple and you wouldn't dare to fuel it with the monstrosity that is drip coffee that has 70% higher acidity comparably!!!) and gather round; It's time to get nonsensically seduced.
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| Googled "flipping off the ocean" and it did not disappoint |
The worst question in the world is, "Who are you?" I vividly remember this one September night two and a half years ago. It was a warm summer night at the Outer Banks, the sweet ocean winds massaging my skin better than any overpaid masseuse could. It was therapeutic. The stars came to party & were shining brightly above us (It was definitely a raucous party. I had this one drunk star trying to hit on me, it was really uncomfortable). Anywho, we were drinking our brews when we started to delve into the intellectual realm of conversation until the ominous questions was asked: "Who are you?" The ambiguity of the question was like trying to grasp the concept of eternity. The head was spinning; I had no idea how to answer. I ultimately decided upon some half-hearted answer on being a guy that people brings joy into other peoples lives, nothing more. That is all fine and dandy, but that in itself should I have been a warning sign. I was a person with no sense of self, deriving my value completely from others.
We all know those people who think that if they support DC's drop-in-the-bucket plastic straw ban & rep Patagonia (Great company) that they are valiantly saving the planet. Alas, while accelerating societal attitudes towards how we treat this planet is key in breeding a more sustainable future, it's the pat-on-the-back-okay-my-work-
Walking home late one night from the bars, I overheard someone so wisely say, "Being honest with yourself gets yo dick sucked". Count me in! Okay, I didn't actually hear that, but alas, it's time to raze this facade I have slowly fortified over the years. While touting myself as a "nice guy" and doing small (Easy) acts of kindness over the years, I have built a very sheltered persona where almost all value is contrived from other people. Everytime somebody would compliment me, it's as if a shot of the sweetest nectar of the God's is injected directly in my veins. Was this at all about serving my loved ones or rather an innately selfish motive where I am merely using the recipient for that quick hit, much akin to a one-night stand for quick sex? The truth lies in the middle as does most things.
The more and more I sought these quick hits, the more and more I was cemented into my comfort zone - a place I am desperately trying to escape now. It became easy to glide along on these highs. Whenever I felt down about my lack of passion in my career, my lack of impact on those around me, I sought the instant gratification. Little did I know that nothing easy in this life comes without repercussions. Funny how my comfort zone, a place where I sought refuge from the cold, hard world, is now the place where I am drowning. I am drowning in stagnation. The devil in a sexy af turquoise dress & a pear shaped body of an Olympian (This devil is a female, I'm not like gay or anything bro) has gifted me with a lack of ambition & a lack of self-worthiness. My sea of tranquility is now a stormy abyss.
The good news is that there is a clear escape. There are exits littered all around my comfort zone. I may not know where those exits lead, but nobody accomplished anything worthwhile without taking a leap of faith. I have faith that this world has unfathomable possibilities for me to make my impact in whatever which way. I have faith that if I take a leap of faith and I fall short, there is a safety net at the bottom that will deliver me back to safety. There absolutely is a positive for building such a strong comfort zone based on love - I know who has my back & who my lifelong friends are. I know they'll always be there for me regardless of where I wander. I know that I have more to have to offer them, but just as importantly, I know I have so much more to offer myself. As I walk out the exit, all I see is a stormy abyss. It is only now that I realize that out there in the stormy abyss is where the most people need help. I am one of those people.
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| S/o to the big homie, the ocean |
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