Casually Late to the Party

My love language is words of affirmation, something that I ironically have not always loved about myself. I have viewed this as weakness: why do I always need to be told how sexy, kind, witty, intelligent, sexy, loyal, compassionate, sexy, courageousness, sexy, funny & sexy I am? Isn't it already obvious?? That was too easy, sorry.

Anywho, me not accepting who I am led to utter chaos in how I valued myself. Subconsciously, I was in dire need of words of affirmation and without acceptance, this put all my self-worth in the hands of others. This insecurity manifested it's ugly head through gift-giving and encouragement (Because gift-giving and encouragement are succubus' that bleed the world dry of joy, I know, I know). Yes, you can make the argument that I was still bringing joy to others, but in reality I was just doing it to hear those delicious words of affirmation. The longer I went without my fix, my mind would start fidgeting; The high was getting weaker and weaker and I needed more to satisfy the beast. I was an addict and had no real escape plan. I needed my prison break (Which I hear started off as a captivating show but quickly spiraled awry, by the way. So in reality, I needed something quite the opposite: something that is already awry but stabilizes into an acceptable outcome. So yeah, no prison break!!!).

I recently hit the dreaded self-worth rock bottom. It got to the point where I would actively shutdown and avoid conflict instead of being transparent, becoming a shell of myself with zero personality just emulating what I thought would make others happy. I was the clay and I let others mold me, and let me tell ya, there are some real shitty artists out there. Yet, I am grateful as this led to an eventual moment of clarity: I depended so much on others for affirmation that I was, in turn, the succubus that was bleeding the world of joy. This is uber simplified as I, unfortunately, do not possess a doctorate in sociology, but when you actually value your opinions, desires & preferences, you bring value to any situation. The more confidence you have in yourself, the greater ability you have to actually reap positive effects.

If you're thinking to yourself, "Well this is obvious, why the hell did I just waste my time on Dumbfuck McGee over here?" First off, that is mean and I implore you to watch your tone, sir/ma'am/it. Secondly, for once, I don't care. I'm doing this for myself. I am still going to be that happy go-lucky person striving to bring joy to others, but that's because I genuinely want to see others happy, not just for the affirmation. Yes, I need affirmation, and that will come. I accept that. But the more and more you look inward to understand, the more and more you'll be able to give the world. Your mind is quite literally a treasure cove full of infinite possibilities - we have to fight through the insecurities to unearth the gold. This is me finally walking through the door, casually late to the party. Thank you for waiting.